this has more or less been triggered by Mark's talk today about critical reflection.

critical reflection //

evaluating your practice.  being aware of and reflecting upon those moments of personal and professional change.

from what i understand. 

this is incredibly personal.

having to write my 100-word bio the other week took a lot more soul searching than i actually intended.  wasn't really expecting to have to do any.  made me realise how much of a personal journey i have had to take this year which unavoidably found it's way into my professional practice

assisting has definitely been a catalyst for growth on all levels.  cannot express how invaluable the entire experience has been.  when i first started i knew i would just take what i needed, go off and set up on my own with what i had learned.  spend a year or so fannying around, testing and honing on a style.  i definitely wasn't planning on becoming a permanent fixture on anybody's team, but life of course isn't so considerate of your plans so you just have to roll with the punches.  

my dad is now 63 and working some mysterious job in afghanistan to put me and my little sister through school out here.  how many more years can he realistically work for?  my kid sister is only 16 and has her life ahead of her.  dreaming big and working hard for the grades that will get her there.  then this choice is presented to me, and all of a sudden i'm not thinking for myself anymore.  i will get to work more closely with a brilliant photographer, and a brilliant team; more responsibility equates to more money which means i will be more able to support myself and my little one.  more importantly it eases the earth-like burden off an Atlas of a man who after all his time does not deserve the stress, exertion  and loneliness he has to endure to support a distant family he barely gets the opportunity to see.

the consequence of course is that i get less time for my own work.  but in hindsight, how selfish of a consideration is this?

everything this year has become focused on efficiency and survival for after graduation, on a level i could not have anticipated at the start of the year let alone the course.  in the process i've become estranged from friends, family and increasingly stunted emotionally.  i can't let myself feel any regret for the decisions i've had to make or resentment for those who still feel all the freedoms of privileged circumstance.  buying new socks makes me happy.

i won't allow myself to fail the course.  after all that has been done to put me and keep me here to call it a slap in the face for those involved would be an understatement.  this will be a tough year but man up and pull through.  there's just no other option.

the times, they are-a-changin' bob, but everything will be okay.

   

image // Duane Michals / The Illuminated Man