DR VON HALLER:  ALL OF THIS IS PART OF THE CHILDHOOD SCENE.  WE USUALLY REMEMBER PAINFUL AND HUMILIATING THINGS.  BUT ARE THEY ALL OF WHAT WE REMEMBER?  WHAT PLEASANT RECOLLECTIONS OF CHILDHOOD HAVE YOU?  WOULD YOU SAY THAT ON THE WHOLE YOU WERE HAPPY?

  MYSELF:  I DON'T KNOW ABOUT "ON THE WHOLE."  SENSATIONS IN CHILDHOOD ARE SO INTENSE I CAN'T PRETEND TO RECALL THEIR DURATION.  WHEN I WAS HAPPY I WAS WARMLY, BRIMMINGLY HAPPY, AND WHEN I WAS UNHAPPY I WAS IN HELL.

  DR VON HALLER:  WHAT IS THE EARLIEST RECOLLECTION YOU CAN HONESTLY VOUCH FOR?

  MYSELF:  OH, THAT'S EASY.  I WAS STANDING IN MY GRANDMOTHER'S GARDEN, IN WARM SUNLIGHT, LOOKING INTO A DEEP RED PEONY.  AS I RECALL IT, I WASN'T MUCH TALLER THAN THE PEONY.  IT WAS A MOMENT OF VERY GREAT - PERHAPS I SHOULDN'T SAY HAPPINESS, BECAUSE IT WAS REALLY AN INTENSE ABSORPTION.  THE WHOLE WORLD, THE WHOLE OF LIFE, AND I MYSELF, BECAME A WARM, RICH PEONY-RED.

  DR VON HALLER:  HAVE YOU EVER TRIED TO RECAPTURE THAT FEELING?

  MYSELF:  NEVER.



  - ROBERTSON DAVIES, THE MANTICORE, (1972)

SAPPHO 31 /

TO ME HE SEEMS LIKE A GOD

 AS HE SITS FACING YOU AND

 HEARS YOU NEAR AS YOU SPEAK

 SOFTLY AND LAUGH

 IN A SWEET ECHO THAT JOLTS

 THE HEART IN MY RIBS.  FOR NOW

 AS I LOOK AT YOU MY VOICE

 IS EMPTY AND

 CAN SAY NOTHING AS MY TONGUE

 CRACKS AND A SLENDER FIRE IS QUICK

 UNDER MY SKIN.  MY EYES ARE DEAD

 TO LIGHT, MY EARS

 POUND, AND A SWEAT POURS OVER ME.

  I CONVULSE, GREENER THAN GRASS,

 AND FEEL MY MIND SLIP AS I

 GO CLOSE TO DEATH,

 YET, BEING POOR, MUST SUFFER

 EVERYTHING.

- SAPPHO, 'UNTITLED (FRAGMENT 31)', c.600 BCE.

/

(FROM A SECOND VERSION OF A TRANSLATION

 BY WILLIS BARNSTONE, 1988.)

GEORGE FREDERIC WATTS  /  'PAOLO & FRANCESCA' (1872-84)


/

"BE BRAVER IN YOUR HEART, OR YOU LOSE YOUR GAME...BE BRAVER IN YOUR BODY, OR LUCK WILL LEAVE YOU."

 - D.H. LAWRENCE, 'THE VIRGIN & THE GIPSY' (1930).

MAGNIFICAT / 

 ARVO PÄRT  /  MAGNIFICAT.

  I HAVE NOT BEEN ABLE TO STOP LISTENING TO THIS FOR THE PAST WEEK.

  ARNOLD BÖCKLIN  /  'THE ISLE OF THE DEAD' IV (BASEL VERSION), 1880


"...AND WHEN, AMID NO EARTHLY MOANS,
DOWN, DOWN THAT TOWN SHALL SETTLE HENCE,
  HELL RISING FROM A THOUSAND THRONES
  SHALL DO IT REVERENCE,
  AND DEATH TO SOME MORE HAPPY CLIME
  SHALL GIVE HIS UNDIVIDED TIME."

- EDGAR ALLAN POE, 'THE DOOMED CITY [THE CITY IN THE SEA]', 1831

 

"HE WAS FRETFUL AND BESIDE HIMSELF LIKE A CHILD...AND AT THE SAME TIME HE WAS A MAN, DARK AND POWERFUL AND INFURIATED BY HIS OWN WEAKNESS.  BY SOME FATAL FLAW, HE COULD NOT BE BY HIMSELF, HE HAD TO DEPEND ON THE SUPPORT OF ANOTHER.  AND THIS VERY DEPENDENCE ENRAGED HIM...HE KNEW THE HATRED WAS NONSENSE, HE KNEW IT WAS THE OUTCOME OF HIS OWN WEAKNESS."

 - D.H. LAWRENCE, 'THE BLIND MAN' (1922).

/


"DANCE, DANCE...OTHERWISE WE ARE LOST."

- PINA BAUSCH.

11.04.12
A TOUCH OF MADNESS;
 BEATING HEAD AGAINST THE WALL
 TO LET IT ALL OUT.

CASPAR DAVID FRIEDRICH

  'MONK BY THE SEA', 1809

/

"I WAS SO SURE OF EVERYTHING WHEN  WAS 23, I KNEW...I KNEW EVERYTHING.  AND I KNEW HOW EVERYTHING SHOULD BE MANAGED, AND FIXED, AND DONE.  AND AS TIME GOES ON I REALLY HAVE AN APPRECIATION FOR THE COMPLEXITY, THE CONTRADICTIONS IN LIFE.  THEY'RE SORT OF WHAT I LOVE, AND WHAT CONFOUNDS ME.  AND SO WE'RE ALL ON A JOURNEY TO UNDERSTAND MORE."

 - MERYL STREEP, 2011.

TUESDAY

DEAREST,

I FEEL CERTAIN THAT I AM GOING MAD AGAIN: I FEEL WE CAN'T GO THROUGH ANOTHER OF THOSE TERRIBLE TIMES.  AND I SHAN'T RECOVER THIS TIME.  I BEGIN TO HEAR VOICES, AND I CAN'T CONCENTRATE.  SO I AM DOING WHAT SEEMS THE BEST THING TO DO.  YOU HAVE GIVEN ME THE GREATEST POSSIBLE HAPPINESS.  YOU HAVE BEEN IN EVERY WAY ALL THAT ANYONE COULD BE.  I DON'T THINK TWO PEOPLE COULD HAVE BEEN HAPPIER TILL THIS TERRIBLE DISEASE CAME.  I CAN'T FIGHT ANY LONGER.  I KNOW THAT I AM SPOILING YOUR LIFE, THAT WITHOUT ME YOU COULD WORK.  AND YOU WILL I KNOW.  YOU SEE I CAN'T EVEN WRITE THIS PROPERLY.  I CAN'T READ.  WHAT I WANT TO SAY IS I OWE ALL THE HAPPINESS OF MY LIFE TO YOU.  YOU HAVE BEEN ENTIRELY PATIENT WITH ME AND INCREDIBLY GOOD.  I WANT TO SAY THAT - EVERYBODY KNOWS IT.  IF ANYBODY COULD HAVE SAVED ME IT WOULD HAVE BEEN YOU.  EVERYTHING HAS GONE FROM ME BUT THE CERTAINTY OF YOUR GOODNESS.  I CAN'T GO ON SPOILING YOUR LIFE ANY LONGER.  

I DON'T THINK TWO PEOPLE COULD HAVE BEEN HAPPIER THAN WE HAVE BEEN.  

V.

- VIRGINIA WOOLF, IN HER FINAL LETTER TO HER HUSBAND LEONARD, 28TH MARCH 1941.

KAREN: 

I GUESS WHAT I'M TELLING YOU IS THAT I'M FINALLY HAPPY.  I'VE BEEN REALLY UNHAPPY FOR MOST OF MY LIFE, MY ADULT LIFE.  I DOUBT YOU'VE BEEN AWARE OF THAT.  I KNOW OUR LIVES HAVE LED US APART, YOU, ME AND IVY, AND MAYBE WE'RE NOT AS CLOSE AS WE...AS SOME FAMILIES - 

BARBARA:  

YEAH, WE REALLY NEED TO TALK ABOUT MOM, WHAT TO DO ABOUT MOM - 

KAREN:  

- BUT I THINK AT LEAST ONE REASON FOR THAT IS THAT I HAVEN'T WANTED TO LIVE MY UNHAPPINESS IN FULL VIEW OF MY FAMILY.  BUT NOW I'M...WELL, I'M JUST REALLY HAPPY.  AND I'D REALLY LIKE US TO MAYBE GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER A LITTLE BETTER.

BARBARA:  

YES.  YES.  

(KAREN WRAPS HER ARMS AROUND BARBARA.)

OKAY.  YES.

(THEY SEPARATE.)

- KAREN CONFIDES IN HER OLDER SISTER AFTER THEIR FATHER'S FUNERAL.

  FROM 'AUGUST: OSAGE COUNTY' BY TRACY LETTS, 2007

A HAIKU / 

JACK KEROUAC c.1957-8

"'TIS THUS WHEN THE LOVELY SUMMER SUN

 OF OUR BOYHOOD, HIS COURSE HATH RUN:

 FOR ALL WE LIVE TO KNOW - IS KNOWN;

 AND ALL WE SEEK TO KEEP - HATH FLOWN;

 WITH THE NOON-DAY BEAUTY, WHICH IS ALL.

LET LIFE, THEN, AS THE DAY-FLOW'R FALL -

 THE TRANSIENT, PASSIONATE DAY-FLOW'R

 WITHERING AT THE EV'NING HOUR."

 - EDGAR ALLAN POE, 'TAMERLANE' VERSE XVI (1827)

"...HOW SHALL WE THOSE REQUITE,

 WHO WISH US EVIL, IF WE THUS CONDEMN THE MAN THAT LOVES US?"

  - DANTE BEHOLDS A VISION OF PATIENCE ON THE THIRD CORNICE OF PURGATORY, WHERE THE SIN OF ANGER IS PURGED.  PURGATORIO 15, 101-103

FROM 'THE DIVINE COMEDY' BY DANTE ALIGHIERI, c.1321, TRANSLATION BY H.F. CARY

- IT WAS ONE OF OUR GREATEST FEARS, TO BE SEPARATED.  IT WAS SO IMPOSSIBLE TO IMAGINE, SO UNKNOWN TO US.  BUT I THINK IT ENDURED BECAUSE A LARGE PART OF IT WAS ROOTED IN OUR DESIRE TO EACH BE A SINGLE PERSON.  I'D EVEN GO SO FAR TO SAY IT WAS A FANTASY.  

I PAUSED, AND DRANK SOME WATER.  

- I GET ANGRY AT HIM SOMETIMES, FOR DOING WHAT HE DID, THAT SOMEHOW HE GRANTED OUR WISH, BUT I'M ANGRY THAT HE LEFT US, THAT HE LEFT ME.  WE WERE STRONGER TOGETHER, AND HE LEFT ME.  SO NOW I'M ALONE.  BUT I'M FREE, I GUESS.  I'M COMPLETELY FREE...  

THE DOCTOR DIDN'T MOVE, BUT CONTINUED TO GAZE.  

- I'M SORRY.  I'M SORRY TOO.  

- WHY ARE YOU SORRY?  

- BECAUSE I LEFT HIM.  IN SOME WAY I GUESS I LEFT HIM TOO, AND HE HAD NO ONE TO TURN TO.   

THE DOCTOR DIDN'T MOVE, BUT CONTINUED TO GAZE.  

- A FICTIVE CONVERSATION TAKEN FROM A DREAM ABOUT DEATH.

"WAS THIS WHAT IT ALL MEANT - UTTER, INTACT SEPARATENESS, OBSCURED BY HEAT OF LIVING?"

- D.H. LAWRENCE, ODOUR OF CHRYSANTHEMUMS (1909)

"A CAR ENGINE REVVED IN THE DISTANCE BUT THIS PLACE FELT SO FAR REMOVED THAT THE MAIN ROAD MIGHT HAVE LAIN ON THE OTHER SDE OF A PANE OF THICKENED, FROSTED GLASS.  HE FOUND THAT HE HAD LEFT ALL THOUGHTS OF FAMILY BEHIND AND...FELT AS THOUGH HE HAD RETURNED TO HIS BODY TO FIND IT MADE NEW AND DOUBLY ALERT.  HE FELT HE COULD HAVE SPRUNG UP A TREE WITH THE AGILITY OF A SQUIRREL OR FLITTED THROUGH THE DARKNESS BEYOND WITH THE SILENT ELEGANCE OF A MOTH.  THE ENGINE SOUNDED CLOSE AND HE REMEMBERED HE WAS NO LONGER A VIRGIN AND WOULD NEVER BE QUITE AS YOUNG AND NAÏVELY AIMLESS AS HE HAD BEEN THAT AFTERNOON."

- PATRICK GALE, 'NOTES FROM AN EXHIBITION' (2008)

"THE FRAILTY OF EVERYTHING REVEALED AT LAST.  OLD AND TROUBLING ISSUES RESOLVED INTO NOTHINGNESS AND NIGHT.  THE LAST INSTANCE OF A THING TAKES THE CLASS WITH IT.  TURNS OUT THE LIGHT AND IT IS GONE.  LOOK AROUND YOU.  EVER IS A LONG TIME.  BUT THE BOY KNEW WHAT HE KNEW.  THAT EVER IS NO TIME AT ALL."

- CORMAC MCCARTHY, 'THE ROAD' (2006)

PURGATORIO / 

"...SUCH IS THIS STEEP ASCENT,

 THAT IT IS EVER DIFFICULT AT FIRST,

 BUT MORE A MAN PROCEEDS, LESS EVIL GROWS.

  WHEN PLEASANT IT SHALL SEEM TO THEE, SO MUCH

 THAT UPWARD GOING SHALL BE EASY TO THEE

 AS IN A VESSEL TO GO DOWN THE TIDE,

 THEN OF THIS PATH THOU WILT HAVE REACHED THE END.

  THERE HOPE TO REST THEE FROM THY TOIL.  NO MORE

 I ANSWER, AND THUS FAR FOR CERTAIN KNOW."

- VIRGIL TO DANTE, PURGATORIO 4, 85-93

FROM 'THE DIVINE COMEDY' BY DANTE ALIGHIERI, c.1321, TRANSLATION BY H.F. CARY

"...SHE KNEW WHAT SHE WOULD SEE; THEY WOULD SEEM TO BE MADE OF LIVING GOLD.  THEY WOULD SEEM THE TRUE IMAGE OF WHAT HUMAN BEINGS ALWAYS COULD BE, ONCE THEY HAD COME INTO THEIR INHERITANCE."  

- MARY SEES 'THE YOUNG ONES', FROM PHILIP PULLMAN'S 'THE AMBER SPYGLASS', 2000.

"I DIDN'T SEE YOU COMING." 

"YOU WEREN'T LOOKING." 

- WILL TO LYRA, FROM PHILIP PULLMAN'S 'THE SUBTLE KNIFE', 1997. 

MOI...J'ÉTAIS TOUTE SEULE. 

ALORS, JE...JE ME SUIS INVENTÉE UNE SŒUR.  UNE PETITE SŒUR. 

JE FAISAIS...ON FAISAIT...BEAUCOUP DES CHOSES TOUTES LES DEUX. 

ON S'ADORAIT. 

MAIS..

...ELLE N'EXISTE PAS. 

'LA FEMME AU TRAIN' (LA FORMIDABLE KATRIN SAß) SE CONFIE À ANTOINE.

 'DONNE-MOI LA MAIN' (2008), RÉALISÉ PAR PASCAL-ALEX VINCENT

FROM 'SOME DOGS BITE' (2010) / 

VENETIA

YOU RECKON THEY CAN SEE US?  

H

WHO?

VENETIA

THE DEAD. 

(PAUSE)

I THINK THEY CAN.  THEY SAYIN', 'LOOK AT THOSE TWO UP THERE, SMOKING, SITTING ON US.  IF ONLY WE WERE ALIVE, HAD ANOTHER CHANCE.  WE'D BE SO CLEVER.  WE WOULDN'T FUCK UP NOTHING.' 

(PAUSE)

RECKON THAT'S HOW IT WORKS?  PEOPLE DIE AND THEY SEE ALL THEIR MISTAKES?

H

NO.

VENETIA

YOU DON'T SAY MUCH DO YOU?

H

NO.

(VENETIA SMILES)

- FROM 'SOME DOGS BITE' (2010)

"THERE'S A MAN

WHO ONLY WILL SPEAK IN CODE,

BACKING SLOWLY, SLOWLY DOWN THE ROAD

MAY HE MASTER EVERYTHING

THAT SUCH MEN MAY KNOW

ABOUT LOVING, AND THEN LETTING GO."

- JOANNA NEWSOM, 'GO LONG'

/

A FEW NIGHTS AGO I HAD CONFIDED TO A CLOSE FRIEND OF MINE MY ANXIETIES TOWARDS MORTALITY - PARTICULARLY THAT OF MY FAMILY - AND ITS DEFTNESS AT PUTTING ONE'S LIFE, AND SELF, INTO PERSPECTIVE.  IT WAS THE SAME FRIEND THAT INADVERTENTLY INTRODUCED ME TO THE WONDERFULLY CRAFTED JOANNA NEWSOM TRACK ABOVE THAT, AFTER SEVERAL MANTRA-LIKE REPETITIONS, PLACED ME BACK INTO THE HEART OF THAT TRAGIC EMOTIONAL LANDSCAPE.  WHAT INSPIRED FRIENDS I HAVE..

YESTERDAY, IN A HURRICANE OF FORESIGHT AND CAFFEINE, I CREATED TWO LISTS INTENDED AS INCANTATIONS OF A SORT, SONTAG-IAN IN MAGNITUDE, TO WILL MY BETTER SELF INTO BEING.  THE LISTS WERE LABELLED SIMPLY 'I WANT TO BE' vs. 'I DON'T WANT TO BE'.  NOT WISHING TO GO INTO ANY SENSITIVE DETAILS (OF COURSE) THOUGH SAFE TO SAY THE USUAL STOCK FAVOURITES OF 'LAZY' AND 'REGRETFUL' MADE IT TO THE TOP OF THE 'I DON'T WANT TO BE' LIST, ALONG WITH 'SEEKING VALIDATION' - WHICH I THINK IS FAST BECOMING THE PANDEMIC OF THIS iGENERATION.  HEADING THE 'I WANT TO BE' LIST WAS SIMPLY 'HAPPY'.

JONATHAN SWIFT ONCE SAID 'NO WISE MAN EVER WISHED TO BE YOUNGER' - A BEGUILINGLY SIMPLE SENTIMENT, AND ONE WHICH GAINS INCREASING RELEVANCE AS THE BRITISH POPULATION AGES.  BUT HOPEFULLY WON'T TAKE A LIFETIME TO REALISE..